ere are some Jokes that I've pulled together during my time on the net. They
have either a religious or freethought theme and some of them are actually
funny.![[Smiley]](smiley.gif){kind=small}
The Value of Skepticism
During the Reign of Terror of the French Revolution, one morning's executions began with three men: a rabbi, a Catholic priest, and a rationalist skeptic.
The rabbi was marched up onto the platform first. There, facing the guillotine, he was asked if he had any last words. And the rabbi cried out, "I believe in the one and only true God, and He shall save me." The executioner then positioned the rabbi below the blade, set the block above his neck, and pulled the cord to set the terrible instrument in motion. The heavy cleaver plunged downward, searing the air. But then, abruptly, it stopped with a crack just a few inches above the would-be victim's neck. To which the rabbi said, "I told you so."
"It's a miracle!" gasped the crowd. And the executioner had to agree, letting the rabbi go.
Next in line was the priest. Asked for his final words, he declared, "I believe in Jesus Christ -- the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost -- who will rescue me in my hour of need." The executioner then positioned this man beneath the blade. And he pulled the cord. Again the blade flew downward -- thump! creak! -- stopping just short of its mark once more.
"Another miracle!" sighed the disappointed crowd. And the executioner for the second time had no choice but to let the condemned go free.
Now it was the skeptic's turn. "What final words have _you_ to say?" he was asked. But the skeptic didn't hear. Staring intently at the ominous engine of death, he seemed lost. Not until the executioner poked him in the ribs and the question was asked again did he reply. "Oh, I see your problem," the skeptic said pointing. "You've got a blockage in the gear assembly, right there!"
Jesus was nailed up on the cross. The crowds were all around him. From on the cross Jesus cries out "John..." John, hearing this, rushes up o his Lord. Before he can get close a Centurion grabs him and cuts off his right foot and throws him back in the crowd. Again Jesus cries out "John..." John again fights his way throughout the crowd. The Centurion grabs him and cuts off his left foot and throws him back. Jesus cries out yet again "John..." John drags himself through the crowd with his hands only to meet the same Centurion who cuts of his right hand and throws him back into the crowd. "John..." John manages to crawl through the crowd pulling himself along the ground by his left and manages to sneak past the Centurion this time. He drags himself over to the cross and looks up at his Master and says "I am here my Lord. What is it? Jesus says "John... from up here I can see your house."
A group on nuns are traveling in a car when it has a flat tire. They get out and try to change it, but being rather unworldly do not know how to do it. Luckily, a truck came along and the driver offered to change it for them. They gladly accepted. As the trucker jacked up the car, it slipped from the jack and he yelled, "Son-of-a-bitch!"
The eldest nun said to him, "That is not nice language. We understand that you are upset, but you mustn't use such language."
"Sorry, Sister", he said, and tried again. Again it slipped, this time almost mashing his fingers. "Son-of-a-bitch", he yelled again.
"Please, don't use such language. If changing our tire is causing you to do so, it would be better if you didn't help us."
"But I get so upset, and it just comes out."
"Well," said the nun, "say something else when you get upset, something like 'Sweet Jesus, help me'".
So the trucker tried to jack up the car again. Again it slipped. He started
to say "So..", but he corrected himself and said, "Sweet Jesus
help me."
At that, the car just lifted up into the air by itself. The nuns looked at the
car and said, "Son-of-a-bitch!"
A mother superior was the passenger with a young novice driving down a country road, when a demon jumped onto their bonnet (hood). The novice screeched to a halt. "Show your cross", says the mother superior. The young nun winds down the window, leans out and and shouts "Get off my fucking car".
A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back on the road. One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitch hiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over.
He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?". "I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road!", replied the priest. "No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck". The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road.
Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD". Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer". "That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door!
A bunch of engineers are sitting around at a party, discussing the nature of God.
The mechanical engineer states that God must also be a mechanical engineer because "if you look at all the pulleys and levers that drive the body, how the tendons and muscles and bones all work together, well, it's just amazing."
The chemical engineer says that no, God has to be a chemical engineer because "if you look at all the chemical processes that drive the body, how the hormones and the brain and the glands and everything else all interact, well, it's just astounding."
The electrical engineer says that no, God has to be an electrical engineer because "if you look at the circuitry of the body, how the thousands upon millions of nerve cells transmit signals from one part to another, well, it boggles the mind."
The civil engineer speaks up last of all and says, no, God is definitely a civil engineer, because "only a civil engineer would run a sewer through a playground."
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."
He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."
Two nuns were walking along at night on the way to the convent when they passed by an alley and grabbed by two muggers. The muggers then proceeded to rape the two nuns and the first nun cried out, "Forgive them Lord, for they know not what they do!" And then the second nun cried out, "Shut up! This one does!"
There were three nuns sitting around talking to eachother one day when the first nun said "you'll never believe what I found in the Father's room the other day" the other two nuns asked what she had found, and she replied "I found a bunch of pornographic magazines". The two nun's gasped, and the second nun asked what she did with the magazines. The first nun answered "Well I threw them out of course." The third nun then said "Well I can beat that...the other day when I was cleaning out the Father's room, I found a pack of condoms"...the other two nuns gasped and asked her what she did with them. The third nun replied "I poked holes in all of them.", and the second nun promptly fainted.
